When you don’t have the right words - supporting others with empathy.
Chances are, if you are in Australia at present, you’ve been in close contact with someone deeply affected by the Australian Summer Bushfires.
If not directly, you will know someone in your immediate or not-too-distant circle, who has been through the trauma of defending their house, losing their home, losing livestock, or a loved one, being evacuated, losing their business, their income or their livelihood.
The scale of physical and emotional trauma present within the Australian population, is at a scale most of us have not experienced since the World Wars. Amidst the countless challenges this brings to our backyard, is the inevitable moment when you are face-to-face with someone who is suffering excruciating grief and loss.
To be fair, many of us have very limited experience with people in desperate emotional pain. So it’s not always obvious when we are helping and when we are hurting people with our words. What do you do when you don’t know what to say? Or, when feeling the pressure to say the right thing, or find the right words, what do we do when everything seems to come out wrong.
“Did you have insurance?”
“At least you and your family escaped…houses can be replaced.”
“Did you follow your Bushfire plan?”
“What else could you have done?”
“At least he died doing something he loved”
“At least you have insurance?”
“I had a fire come past my property too, and what I did was...”
“That’s bad BUT, my neighbour lost his house and his workshop and...”
“This experience will make you stronger”
And so on, and so forth.
No-one who utters these words is trying to be insensitive, hurtful or say things to increase people’s suffering (at least that’s what I like to assume). These are attempts to respond to a person in pain. They are also, often, an attempt to minimise our own discomfort when we are faced with people who are in the midst of excruciating emotional distress. The problem is for the receiver these kinds of statements make matters much, much worse.
Understand the context
When people are grieving or mourning the loss of something or someone significant, what they need is time, a safe space to process their thoughts and feelings, to know they are not alone, and to know what they are experiencing is a normal response to an abnormal set of circumstances. The problem with the examples above is, they exacerbate people feeling disconnected, misunderstood and alienated. Most have already considered the “what if’s, the hypotheticals, and the should” they have also ended up in a place where emotions are raw, intense and highly reactive, including fear, shock, sadness, disbelief, anger, guilt, resentment, and shame. They will be feeling emotionally and physically vulnerable and the traumatic events they have endured will have rocked the foundations of how they view themselves, others and the world around them. It is this context which you must be mindful of as you relate to them.
Checking in with your own experience
It can be helpful to think about a time when you were in emotional pain, grieving or feeling loss. What were the types of responses that people offered you that were the most helpful, comforting and reassuring? Would similar responses be helpful here? Will your response serve them or you? Chances are, even if you can’t remember the exact words, you could describe how others made you feel. Sometimes it’s easier to recall what people said that made you feel worse!
In any case, connecting to your own experiences can provide some clues as to how you can respond to others when you see them in emotional pain.
Where to start
Below are a few tips and principles which may also help you find the right response:
Begin with Empathy. Empathy is the expression of understanding how a person is feeling and why. It is placing yourself in the shoes of the other person and understanding their suffering. It is showing the other person that you are WITH them. You are happy to meet them right where they are in the present moment.
This is different to sympathy - sympathy is largely used to convey commiseration, pity, or feelings of sorrow for someone else who is experiencing misfortune. You feel bad for them … but you can’t (or won’t) imagine what it would feel like to be in their shoes.
Empathy = feeling WITH someone. The actual definition of the word says “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”
Sympathy = feeling sorry FOR someone. The definition says “feelings of pity and sorry for someone’s misfortune.”
Can you see the difference?
Empathy is seen as the more helpful response in circumstances such as this, because people feel less alone, less isolated and more supported when you are in empathy with them. (For an excellent summary see Brene Brown’s RSA talk on Empathy here. )
Avoid any response which starts with “At Least” …if you do nothing else, never respond to someone’s suffering with “At Least…” this immediately indicates that you are minimising their experience and comparing it with (what you determine as) “greater suffering”. This can come about because the responder is either trying to minimise the pain for the sufferer or they are trying to get them to look at the bright side. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen when you use “at least”.
It sounds like this:
“I can’t get pregnant.”
“At least, you’re in a loving marriage”
“I have breast cancer.”
“At least, cancer is very treatable.”
“My wife has left me.”
“At least, you still have your job / house / friends, etc.”
You can feel yourself cringe at reading these responses (I hope). While they may sound okay in theory, instead of making the other person feel better, it diminishes their pain and tries to placate their feelings.
Again the Brene Brown RSA short describes this nicely.
Avoid Advice. Now is not the time to become the expert and offer a solution. Even if you are an expert (psychologist, coach, counsellor, insurance broker, claims counsellor, etc.,) now is the time to hold your tongue and just listen. Unless people ask you for advice, that’s not what they want to hear when opening up about their struggles. It seems helpful, but oftentimes, it is not. If you are unclear about whether the person may want more than just an empathic ear…it’s better to ask. “Is there anything I can do or do you just need to talk?” “How best can I help you right now?” Sometimes they may not be able to answer - but your willingness to ask will show the person that you are wanting to serve them and not yourself.
Don’t tell stories or ‘go one better’.
Sometimes, people we are so eager to find ways to relate, we consult our own backlog of stories to find a relatable tale of woe to share. This is ok to do if it’s to find your empathy. But don’t share this story with them. Use it for your own connectivity. This approach sounds harmless, but in reality, if you start sharing your own struggle story - it’s not about empathising with them, it’s about finding something to say to avoid feeling uncomfortable in the face of their struggle.
It sounds like:
“Oh yeah, I read about someone who ...here’s what happened...”
“I remember when my Mum died and I felt like...”
Their experience is not the same. No matter what happens, there will always, always be someone in the world who has it worse. I know that. You know that. They know that. And yet, when you’re going through something difficult, when you are in the thick of your own struggle the last thing you want to hear is how someone else’s pain competes with yours.
It sounds like:
“My mum died.”
“Yeah, I don’t have either of my parents.”
“I had a miscarriage.”
“Yeah, I’ve had two.”
“I’m being made redundant”
Yeah, I have been out of work for a year.
By elevating your own pain, it minimises theirs. This is the last thing they want to hear during a difficult time and it can drive a deep wedge between you and the other person. This is different to connecting to a greater humanity. In time, it’s helpful for people to put their own pain and suffering in perspective and connect with the wider experience of others, but in the short term, they have to stay inside their own experience and this is where you need to be willing to meet them.
Hold the space for them. Now is not about you. It’s not about your ideas, your experience, your feelings, your thoughts or your emotions. This is about them. So, don’t get caught up in the drama. When you over-react, it can be as harmful (sometimes more) as not responding. Because suddenly you have shifted the focus to you, and how their experience is impacting you. The last thing you want is the other person consoling you. Stay squarely focussed on the other person and provide a space for them to share how they think and feel about the struggle. It’s ok to have your own experience and be mindful of that, just don’t shift the interaction to be centred on you. Hold the space for them.
Just Listen. You don’t have to say anything. Your job isn’t to provide a response or come up with magic answers. Simply let the person talk. Cry. Yell. Whatever it takes. One time, I sat with a couple whose baby had died. We sat for two hours and I didn’t say a word. I listened hard. I stayed completely focussed on them. I sat while they cried, rocked, howled and were silent. It is hard to not speak. It can feel really uncomfortable and you may want to get out. But in those times, they have no choice. They can’t get out - so if you are willing to go there you need to stay for as long as they need. In this example I focussed on holding the space where they could feel their pain. I just listened and sat with them.
Just listen and be there.
Do acknowledge their pain. As Brene Brown said in the video, “Rarely, can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”
Sometimes the best response is none at all. Anything you say isn’t going to make it better. But, what you can do is acknowledge the other person’s pain. You can let them know that you see their struggle.
It looks like:
“Wow. I don’t know what to say.”
“This is really painful”
“That sucks! I hate you have to go through this.”
“I can’t imagine how you must feel.”
“Thanks for sharing and trusting me.”
“I’m here for you.”
Do something kind. (optional)
Everyone is different, so there’s not a universal response. But, I’m a “do-er” - so I try to find ways to show the person some kindness. Acts of kindness is my love language. Maybe that means sitting with them and making them a cup of tea, or pouring a whiskey. Maybe that means you pick up some groceries or offer to collect their kids from school so they can have some alone time or attend appointments. Maybe make them a meal. Offer to help out with house chores or co-ordinating the other well-wishers. Or, perhaps you can simply write a thoughtful note.
Again, not a universal rule, but some people don’t know how you can help them. So just do something.
Most of the time, people going through hard struggles don’t need to be thinking about co-ordinating helpful friends and colleagues, but they deeply appreciate the help when it is provided. I myself find it much harder to ask for help than to offer it - so when I’m struggling I really appreciate the people who see that and just pitch in. Take that burden of asking away for them. Contact others who may be aware of how you can offer practical assistance if you are unsure and let them know you are willing to help out.
In summary
If you take a few moments to breath, notice where the other person is coming from, connect with their struggle and demonstrate that you are willing to meet them in their suffering, even to simply say “This sucks. This is difficult. I’m sorry,” you will show the person they are not alone and someone sees them and their pain.
It’s the greatest gift you can give when someone is in emotional pain.
RESOURCES
If you or someone you know is struggling emotionally Beyond Blue has a range of resources and factsheets.
Australian Government mental health response to bushfire crisis
The Australian Government has announced a mental health package providing for immediate, short term and medium term mental health support for individuals, families and communities, including emergency services personnel, impacted by the ongoing bushfire crisis. Click any link below to find more resources.
Australian Government mental health response to bushfire trauma
Information for Australians who have been affected by bushfires
Mental health support for Australians affected by the 2019–20 bushfires
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